Melting an Iceberg
by Crystal Hyozanryu
Summary: A puppyshipping oneshot with heavy YGOTAS references. Joey gets a little too curious for his own good, and ends up under a spell- and now he's a baby. What happens when the only ones who can take care of him are the Kaibas? Nothing that Joey expects, that's for sure. Something I wrote for my friend; she then made me post on here. Rated M for coarse language, characters sorta OOC.


It's a few months after Battle City, and I shoulda known somethin' was off the moment the Great Seto Kaiba invented us, the lowly Geek Squad, to Kaiba Mansion. Okay, it was da squirt, Mokuba, who invited us over, but Seto didn't yell at us when he walked in on Yugi playing Mokuba in Duel Monsters. His facial expression wasn't a smirk or a scowl or nothin' - he just walked in, sighed, and walked out.

Mokuba wins the duel, more to Yugi letting him win than his own talent. It's nice and all, especially since I woulda just crushed the kid- he's a Kaiba, after all. We play a few more duels between the group of us- Yugi, Tristan, and I, since Tea's away visiting her family in China. I finish Tristan off in a duel, using my trusty Red Eyes Black Dragon.

Kaiba walks into the room, holding his Briefcase of Steel and his Unbreakable Laptop- seriously, those things have survived everything, from falling off a cliff to climbing _back_ _up_ the cliff- and pointedly looking away from us. He strides across the room, and is turning the handle to a door on the opposite side when I decide I'm not just gonna let him walk through the same room as Yug and _not_ give him a hard time!

"'Ey! Kaiba! Yugi here wants ta duel!" Yugi gives me a confused look.

"I've got company business, Wheeler," he throws back over his shoulder, not even glancing back.

"Or… you're just a coward? Or maybe experience has taught ya not ta mess with the King of Games, eh?" I know I'm pressing the right buttons- he bothers to turn his head before responding.

"Or maybe, I've got to discuss the marketing of my new Duel Disk with my team. I've got no time for silly games." His voice contains no readable emotions, and his face shows the same.

"Or maybe, ya're still butthurt over the loss of da God Cards, riiight?"

He just sighs and shakes his head, and continues on his way out the door, before Mokuba pipes up.

"C'mon, big brother! It's been _months_ since you even picked up your deck? Please? Show me how awesome the power of the Blue Eyes White Dragon is!"

I snort loudly. "Mhm, Kaiba, come show us how GREAT your Blue Peeps is!"

Yugi hits me on the arm, giving me a stern look. Tristan gives me a light smack as well, jokingly chiding me.

"Joey, play nice, he has work to do! Mr. Important Business Man is never allowed to have any fun! Right, Mokuba?"

Apparently, Mokuba's missing all of this sarcasm. "Seto, please? Everyone agrees that you don't let yourself have nearly as much fun as you should!" Damn, this kid has the best puppy eyes I've eva seen- and that's coming from me!

Even Kaiba agrees that this kid is irresistible, and, after a brief hesitation, his hand drops from the doorknob.

"I'll play one round, but that's all I have time for. Akito will kill me if I miss a meeting just to play some petty game," he mutters, knowing how much control his little brother has over him.

The words have barely left his lips when Mokuba leaps up, pulling a deck out of his pocket. "Here you go, Seto! Now you don't even have to go and get your deck!"

Wait, da kid had Kaiba's ultimate destruction deck, and he didn't use it?! It's not like Kaiba could get mad at his own brother… Either this kid is an idiot, or really loyal to his older bro. And there's no way in hell a Kaiba could be that dumb. I bet this kid'll be leading the mafia someday, with that sort of mindset and power.

Kaiba takes his deck, suprised, and starts leafing through cards; he's probably worried one of them was slightly wrinkled, that pretentious jerk. "Mokuba, how long have you been carrying them around?" he asks, his voice his voice sounding oddly playful. I know all siblings have that kind of love for each other, but I always sorta thought Kaiba was a robot and Mokuba was just a cover.

"I swear, Seto, I snatched them right before everyone came over!" Mokuba's really bad at reading voices- he seems a little panicky.

"What, and you never used them? I'm almost ashamed that my little brother was battling the King of Games and didn't use the Blue Eyes deck!" Okay, he's grinning, and this is definitely weird. Kaiba. Grinning. _And _ruffling Mokuba's thick mess of hair. With _emotions_.

Mokuba giggles. "Hey, I beat Yugi using my own deck!" He turns to Yugi, proclaiming, "Now that I've beaten you, does that make me King of Games?"

Yugi's a little phased by all this humanity, so I step in for him. "You can't really prove that ya did, so even if that _did _make you King of Games, which it doesn't, no one would ever believe ya."

The reminder that I exist brings the siblings out of their family moment and Kaiba scowls again. Ah, yes, there's the face we're all used to. The one of general disdain for anyone who isn't him, Mokuba, or a business partner.

"If we're going to duel, we had better do it now. If it doesn't end in 10 minutes, we'll call it quits, and whoever has the most life points at that point wins." His expressionless voice is a little intimidating- it's like he's a robot, but only some of the time.

Yugi nods his head, shuffling his deck, "Expert rules, right? I suppose it'd be too much to ask if we could test the new duel disks design?"

"We don't even have a new prototype for it, so that's a no. But, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, and tell you that it'll be out by February. And keep in mind- I'm watching how many trap cards you lay down this time. I've put up with enough of your asspulls," he states, his eyes narrowed. Damn, that jawline could cut steel, and those eyes could freeze the melting ice caps.

"That's all Yami- not me. There will be no cheating here, among either of us." By the way Kaiba's eyes are flickering about the room, and how his hand is twitching, he still doesn't believe that there's another Yugi. Well, maybe he will once he realizes how easy it is ta beat normal Yug- he's a great duelist, don't get me wrong, but someone of Kaiba's caliber could crush the kid like a bug.

However, I happen to know the decks of both adversaries through and through, and while I'm sure this duel'll be thrilling, I sorta need to go. Like, go. And so, about 5 minutes into the duel, maybe one turn has passed, and I'm fidgeting an awful lot. It's mostly just Yugi playing a card and Kaiba staring into space for a while before countering.

Finally, I gain enough courage to ask Kaiba where the "Little Duelist's Room" is, and he just stares at me for a while, confused, before Mokuba tells me it's upstairs, second door on the left. Ah, colloquialisms. Sometimes robots can't catch them.

So, I run upstairs and do my business- I wonder if even one card has been played?- when I realize, I'm in a mansion unsupervised. I can do whatever da hell I want and no one will care! If I'm careful, that is. 'S not like anyone'll miss me. So, I'll start with the door across the hall- if I get caught, I'll say that I mixed right with left. Kaiba'll just assume I really AM as stupid as he believes I am.

I'm not dumb, and I'm certainly not a mutt- I'm just a little, teensy weensy, tiny bit dyslexic. And it's not like my pop's ever had me examined. That's why I get bad grades, NOT because I'm a mutt.

Pushing open the door, I peer inside da room- it's empty, for the most part. The walls and the extremely soft carpet are dazzlingly white. There's a little table with some red, wilting flowers by the door, and that's the only decoration, other than a few mirrors on the ground and a picture of Gozaburo Kaiba. Except, with a knife stuck directly in da center of painted Goza's forehead. And da curse words written around it.

Is dat a safe or somethin'? Isn't it how in all the movies, da empty rooms with the mysterious paintings are always harboring the safes. God, you'd think that he'd use a bank or something. What a paranoid _freak_.

But, I mean, I could be wrong. It's never too bad to check, what could go wrong?

So, I saunter over to the butchered portrait and start to push the painting away.

Suddenly, a thick wave o' nausea comes over me and I sink to my knees. Soon after, I full-on faceplant, and I appreciate that the carpet is clean, because I gotta real mouthful right now. I'm getting a splitting headache, and I don't think I can stand… and I feel really short. I crawl over to the mirrors on the ground and…

What da fuck?! I'm a baby, damn it! I'm me, but in baby form- all of my hair gel! Did da douche have some magic enchantment on da painting?

Well, it's more effective than using a bank, I admit. But, there's no way in hell I can get down da stairs now, not as a baby, so naturally I do da only thing that comes naturally- I let out a 5 star, overdramatic baby wail of utter anguish. Might as well.

I can barely hear over da sound of my own screaming, but those are definitely footsteps. Coming up the staircase. Please, please be Yugi.

"If the stock market keeps dropping, this might affect Kaiba Corp… just kidding Akito, we're too stable a company!" Robotic laughter rings from the stairs. Oh. Not Yugi. My screaming increases in volume.

"Is that a baby?" Maybe if I kept my damn mouth shut, and stuck to da rules, I wouldn't be in dis situation. Screw that.

Kaiba opens the door, cautiously at first, and flinging it open when he sees it's me.

"Wheeler. I should've guessed, only _you_ would try something that stupid."

I try to spit some great comeback back at him, but all I accomplish is spitting all over my hands. Apparently, I do not have a real sense of speaking in this form. So, I give Kaiba the evil eye as I rub my spittle all over his clean, white carpet.

Kaiba sighs, running his hand through his gorgeous, chestnut hair. "It's not the spell I asked for… I wanted a Summon rottweiler puppy spell, for defense, and for Mokuba. Well, I appreciate the pun, but, I'll have to perform another sacrifice…" He starts mumbling to himself, and- wait a second, dat spell just called me a mutt too! What did I expect from a _Kaiba_ spell…

I continue rubbing my spittle into his overly-clean carpet, giving as best of a smirk as I can as a baby, and he's still talkin' to himself.

Finally, he looks back over to me. "Wheeler, we're going to have to retransform you if I want to avoid legal action being taken against me from your father"... blah, blah, legal talk. "... But I can't exactly return you to your legal residence at the current time being, seeing your current state, and I'll have to hire another magician as well to aid me in the ritual…" blah blah, when did Kaiba become a magic user? He's not cool enough.

"So, we'll have to explain to Yugi your current situation, and-" I interrupt him with a confused baby noise, trying to say _how da hell do I get downstairs, ya prick?_ while still sounding adorable.

Kaiba- now about 5 feet taller than me, damn it- walks over to me, and oh my god he's picking me up oh no ew oh my gosh I'm gonna be dropped he's gonna drop me down the stairwell and claim it was an accident and-

He's got one of the most secure grips I've ever felt, balancing me on his hip as he walks out of the room like he's done this a million times. Oh, dat's right, Mokuba's like half his height, and probably HAS done dis a million times. He's taking me down the stairs, and I giggle in delight- bump, bump bump!

Oh god, I'm _not a baby_, I do _not_ find this _any more fun_ than as an adult and I will _not_ look like a child in front of Kaiba.

Regardless of whether or not I look like a baby.

Yugi glances up at us, while Mokuba and Tristan are playing a game, and looks as confused as hell.

"I do believe there was a rather… unfortunate accident, and Wheeler has been transformed into a child again. The change isn't that different, to be honest, but I'm not quite sure what to do with him now." Jerk! I deck him in da face as hard as I can with my pudgy baby hands- I still got some strength, because he flinches, though more likely from the suddenness of the attack than from than from my strength- and he gives me a look that reminds me who's holding me at the moment and how far I am from the floor.

Yugi looks relieved, because obviously my personality hasn't changed. "What are you planning on doing, Seto?"

"Well, seeing as we can't just drop him off at his father's, I'm not sure."

"Grandpa wouldn't be too happy with me just taking home a baby- I can try to pick him up tomorrow with Grandpa's permission, but I can't take him home tonight."

They both glance at Tristan, who looks bewildered to see his best pal as a baby. "My nephew's in town, and he's already too much of a handful for my family- I can't."

"Seto, how long does the spell last, anyways?" Yugi asks- how does he know about magic as well?! Why wasn't _I _invited to da magic party?!

I am disappointed. "Well, the original spell is supposed to be permanent, but something went wrong- Summoning to Transfigurations. I'm not sure." Kaiba the fucking wizard. Whoopdedoo.

"What the- you guys are magicians?!" Tristian shouts. I feel ya, buddy. I feel ya.

"Hm? Oh, yes, I suppose." Kaiba, that's not _near_ an explanation.

"We'll explain it later, after the next story arc's been started. For now, you'll just have to deal until we get a _trained_ wizard to perform a reversal," Yugi states, giving me a sympathetic look.

Goddamn it, ya mean I'll be stuck like this for a while?! I mean, it'll get me away from my dinky little apartment, and my pop as well, but it looks like I'll spend at least one night with da Kaibas- I'd choose a lifetime of hell over dat!

Mokuba's just realized what was happening, and he's gettin' too excited for my liking. "Big brother, can we keep him for the night? We can't just kick him out to the streets!" 'Keep him for the night', eh?! I'm _not_ a mutt! I start my crying again, and I feel a slight jolt from the arms wrapped around me. _Keep up that crying, and I'll throw you to the ground_ is what that said. And so, I am effectively shushed.

"It appears as though Wheeler is rather against the idea," Kaiba chides, giving his brother as cold a look as I've ever seen him give Mokuba- not that cold, but still giving a warning.

"Well, Seto, neither Tristan nor I can take him, and you don't really… need parental permission, and Mokuba seems on board for the idea- it's one night, how hard can it be? I'm sure Joey won't misbehave," Yugi pipes, and I stick my tongue out at him, because I'll misbehave as much as I want, and Kaiba can't stop me.

Kaiba hesitates, thinking it over. "As much as I hate to admit, I suppose it'd be a better idea for us to take him for the night than it would be to let him roam the streets. Also, I'd be held legally responsible, at least a little, if he died, and I'm too busy to deal with a court case. So, I'll let Wheeler stay at Kaiba mansion for tonight."

Am I happy about this, or not? Hm, decidedly not. Why wouldn't Grandpa take me in for the night?!

"But one night only, and if no one comes to remove the burden-" Oh, so I'm a burden now? "-by tomorrow night, I _will_ drop him off at a dog kennel," Kaiba says, and I have no doubt about it.

"Seto, I'll come retrieve him tomorrow, or at least find a suitable magician for the ritual. It's just for tonight. Speaking of which, it's getting late!" Yugi squeaks, checking his watch.

How'd it get to be 8 already? Wait, that means they'll leave me alone in hell when they leave! Have mercy on my soul!

Tristan and Yugi begin packing up their decks and Mokuba babbles about how he and I are going to have so much fun playing games and watching movies together. He says it'll be like a sleepover, except I'll be a baby.

It's like being forced to hang out with ya rival's little brother, who has total control over ya, is what I'm comparing it to. Because that's what it is. Shut up, Mokuba.

The Geek Squad leaves the mansion, and their best pal, behind as they walk out the door. Kaiba starts to place me on the floor, and I almost feel upset over it- he's got a nice, warm grip, don't mock me! Mokuba rushes over to me and kneels down on the floor to my eye-level. Oh my gosh, if this kid touches me I'm gonna sock him. He may be nicer than his brother, but he's 11 and probably weighs as much as a beta fish. I'll bet my duel deck that he'd drop me.

Kaiba feels the same, because when Mokuba _does_ try to pick me up, he clears his throat in protest. "Mokuba, even if Wheeler's found his true form, he still probably weighs at least half your weight." My _true form_?! Hey, I'm immature, sure, but don't mock me in such a predicament!

"But big brother, I can handle it!" Mokuba spurts.

"Not to mention, he's probably half your height as well. Face it, Mokuba, I don't think it'd be wise to try and carry Wheeler around. Besides, you might catch some of his germs," he mutters the last part under his breath, but I can still hear 'im. As soon as I reach full height, I'm gonna punch his face in! That is, if I can get anywhere near the skank. He's almost-if he isn't actually- a better fighter than me.

Mokuba doesn't make any further attempts to pick me up, but he hardly looks disheartened. Instead, he runs into the direction of the room that I'm pretty sure is a kitchen.

Damn, if this kid is so excited to have someone like me over, does he even have any friends?

Kaiba grabs a book off of a shelf nearby- _The Pacific Rim and Japanese Occupation During World War II_, yuck!- and proceeds to sit down in a comfy-lookin' chair nearby. Good, now someone'll be there ta stop Mokuba from poisoning me on accident.

Speaking of da squirt, Mokuba comes in carrying all sorts of snacks- candy, popcorn, 3 different brands of soda, everythin' someone like me could dream of!- and plops it all in front of me. I give him a mischievous _For me?_ look before grabbing a bag of Twizzlers.

Kaiba jumps up with a start, and now I'm wondering why the Kaiba brothers would have so many sweets around. "Wait, Mokuba, I'm not sure if Wheeler could handle foods like these yet." Well, fuck you, I do what I want.

"What do you mean, Seto? Why wouldn't he be able to?" Mokuba questions.

"There's a chance that the spell set him young enough that his body couldn't handle something like Twizzlers. Especially since," he states, gently tilting my chin so he can see into my mouth, "he only has two teeth. I'm guessing that, while he's not a newborn, his body's somewhere around the 7-8 month mark."

Why does moneybags know so much about babies? How da hell can he tell?

"So… no candy for Joey?"

"No candy for Joey, no. Not unless you want to kill him and leave me legally responsible."

I appreciate him not wanting me ta die and all, but he acts like I'm just a nuisance. Which I am ta someone like him. But dat's beside the point and all.

"Hm, and Mokuba, did you finish your homework?" Kaiba inquires.

"Oh, um… not really, I figured I could skate by just this once, I'll get it done tonight!" Mokuba pleads, his eyes wide in puppy-dog mode.

"Moki, you know the rules," Kaiba reprimands. "I'm disappointed you didn't do it before your friends came over, but you can do it now instead of trying to kill Wheeler." Good ol' Kaiba, always got my back. The squirt looks disappointed, and marches off to his room, and I realize I'm alone in a room with a trench coat-wearing demon.

Said demon in a trench coat starts to clean up all the sweets Mokuba probably left all over the floor in revenge, and I just watch him. What am I supposed ta do now? He glances over his shoulder at me, face apathetic, and sighs. I flip him off in turn- my motor skills may be diminished, but I sure as hell have enough attitude to compensate for dat!

Moneybags shakes his head and walks out of the room, presumably to put all dat glorious snack food in the kitchen. I, on the other hand, crawl over to the reading chairs he has and climb up. Reaching for the bookshelves, I crawl onto the chair's arm- I'm not tall enough to reach, I'll have to stand up…

Suddenly, da floor decides to say hello to my face again, except dis time it's dazzlingly white _marble_ and nothing soft. I brace for impact, letting out a scream, but strong arms reach out to catch me and I don't end up feeling the solid ground. Instead, I'm pulled up against Kaiba's chest, which is much softer. I mean, his shirt is softer. His shirt. Not him. I am not discussing how soft Kaiba is.

I'm sniffling- that goddamn startled me, I didn't think I'd fall, I thought I'd be able to at least stand- and he's patting my back, comforting me in reassuring tones that everything's alright.

I didn't realize dat Mr. Apathy was so soft around children, and I'm not sure if dat's valid blackmail for da future, or even if it's moral ta blackmail him with dat. After all, he just saved me from a huge headache, even if he's the reason I'm a baby in the first place.

It was Kaiba's fault, not mine. I wasn't 'a little too curious'. I was average curious. I am an average human being.

Kaiba's setting me down, looking up at the bookcase. "What did you need from here that made you desperate enough to try climbing this?"

Oh. I probably shouldn't mention that I just wanted to climb it. What? It looks climbable! It looks fun. Like a miniature rock climbing wall, but with encyclopedias and shit instead of handles.

I just point in the general direction of the top shelf, hoping there's a decent book up there and he won't just think I'm an idiot. No dice.

"Mm, you just wanted to climb, didn't you?" He shakes his head. "Joey, you can't even walk- what makes you think you can climb?"

Wow, I'm transparent. I tilt my head in apology, earning a small smile. But it's not even a smirk- like, da smile feels genuine, and I feel all warm inside. Maybe da world's biggest iceberg is melting, or maybe he was never really an iceberg.

Well, he's still pretty fuckin' tall, especially with me dis tiny. He doesn't even need his tippy toes to reach the top shelf, from which he pulls out a book.

"You never read the books for our literary course, I know that much; I'm just not sure if it's because you can't afford them, or…" I do what's almost a half-nod. It's not da whole reason, but those books are pretty damn expensive. My dyslexia probably doesn't help.

He sets da book in front of me gently and returns to his reading spot. "That's _Thus Spoke Zarathustra_, the book we're reading at the moment, if you care to remember." Oh course I remember, moneybags! It just didn't look interesting enough to buy. "I doubt you've read it yet, but I'm sure your motor skills are well developed enough to turn pages." He's buried his nose in his book again, leaving me to bore myself to death with this book that I'm completely disinterested in.

I've barely turned to da first page before a wave a exhaustion comes over me, and I yawn. The letters are swimmin' around the page, and also there might be some drool of mine swimmin' on there as well. My face likes to greet hard objects, I've found, and this book is no exception as I drift off into unconsciousness.

Aaaand, the alarm's ringing. As I wake up, everything feels super surreal, and as I look at my non-pudgy teenager hands, I feel almost… upset. I sorta liked non-douchey dream Kaiba. Non-douchey dream Kaiba was nice. I get that douchey real-life Kaiba is actually good with children, but let's face it, he'd definitely just dump me in the streets. He also probably doesn't wear shirts that soft.

His jawline in real life is still pretty damn powerful, though. Ugh, what am I thinking?

But, it all being a dream DOES explain da magic, and da turning into a baby. I almost wish it were real, because bein' a baby's a sure get-outta-school-free pass, and I could really use one.

In school that day, I was really preoccupied with the texture of Kaiba's shirt. In fact, it was all I can think about when I accidently bump into him in the hallway and get a faceful of it. He totally uses OxyClean, I can smell it, but it's really soft. And it's surprising when instead of punchin' me in the face, or at least pulling a smartass remark, he just grunts and helps me pick up my books dat are now scattered around da hallway.

It makes me wonder, can two people have the same dream?


End file.
